Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
