First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
don't judge my taste in strippers
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
