put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
