Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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