miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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