Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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