I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
