What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
