come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
