i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Life is so much better after having sex.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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