oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
