Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
