dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
