I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
