it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
