I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
