sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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