and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
