A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
