I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
