She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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