i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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