Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
