Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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