Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
