I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
