i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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