nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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