dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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