There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
