i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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