I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
