I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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