What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
