you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
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