She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
