I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
