WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
