I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
