Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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