Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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