fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
