Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?