I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
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Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
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Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.