Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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