So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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