Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
