boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
