Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
