Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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