Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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