She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
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the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
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Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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