what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
