i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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