My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
