How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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