I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
