This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
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I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
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you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?