You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
