Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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