Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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