Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
