Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
