Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
