her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
