I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
